Do Not Sit in the Darkness for too Long

By Christina Wiggins

I could feel the darkness inching toward me. The heaviness was becoming too much to bear. I did not want to cry in front of my entire faith family, not again. So instead, I shoved the tears back and allowed anger to consume me. I didn’t want to hear about a baby who sacrificed everything, not after losing my own baby. It wasn’t fair that my daughter had to live a life full of medical challenges that ended after 18 short months. Many of my dreams died when Audrey did. I couldn’t even extend my hands out to receive the customary blessing before pushing up from my seat and gathering my remaining two children for home.

I hung my head in an attempt to hide the tears threatening to pour out and was almost out the door when she reached out to hug me. She looked me straight in the eyes and asked how I was doing. I couldn’t lie. “Shitty,” I choked out quickly before darting out the door. Now I could add guilt to the already complicated emotions of grief I was drowning in. I could not believe I had just lost it not only in church, but in front of a friend who had been helping to guide me through this dark journey of child loss she had walked before. She had told me when my grief wound was fresh that it was normal to feel every emotion I experienced, “but do not sit in the darkness for too long.” She was right. I had to find my way back to light. I had to figure out how to live again.

At first, I had to force it. Get out of bed. Feed my boys. Take care of our home. Take a breath. It’s okay to cry. Cook dinner. Answer the phone. I had to mentally walk myself through the simplest activities. I was alive but not really living. The darkness sat at arm’s-length just waiting for an opportunity to rush over me. Questions and guilt about my daughter’s death ate away at me. I reached out to our medical family, her medical team. Each one assured me that I could not have done anything differently to help her. I was her mother. My job was to protect her, and I felt I had failed.

Do not sit in the darkness for too long.

The words echoed in my mind as I showered letting the water and my tears wash over me. This was my safe place. I could let it all out here. This is also when I decided I had to listen to my friend and take a step toward the light. No matter what I chose to do with my life, my daughter would always be dead. Sitting in the darkness did not honor her. Realizing this allowed the first ray of light to crack through the darkness.

I began to wonder how I could honor Audrey. How could I spread her legacy of love and life? How could I feel close to her when she was no longer with me in a physical sense? That’s when my mom suggested that we help other children facing battles similar to Audrey’s. Our family turned Audrey’s Army, what was originally an informational Facebook page to communicate with friends and family on how Audrey was doing, into a nonprofit charity that supports these children by sending care packages full of soft blankets, IV friendly hospital gowns, pajamas and other comfort items. Making these gift bags helped me feel close to my daughter. Knowing that this gift was supportive to these families warmed my heart. Yet the darkness lingered not too far away and continued to inch toward me.

Do not sit in the darkness for too long.

One afternoon, a friend sent me a message about tryouts for a community theater play. She knew I had always wanted to try out for a play but had not for fear of rejection or criticism. She asked me to take a look at the script, The Miracle Worker and gave me the audition times. I pulled up a video of The Miracle Worker online and knew right away. It was time for me to be brave like my little girl was every time she was taken to the operating room. I auditioned for the role of Kate Keller, the mother of a child with medical challenges. The directors were hesitant to assign the role to me, questioning my ability to push through the real, raw emotion of my grief. I begged and promised that I would do the role justice. This was the start of my bravery bucket list.

Do not sit in the darkness for too long.

I now have a list of dreams that I had previously cast aside due to fear. These dreams have been renewed. I have made a promise to my daughter and myself that if Audrey could live her short life so bravely, then I would honor her by living bravely and experiencing life fully. I’m working on the next item of my bravery bucket list, becoming a published author.

Do not sit in the darkness for too long.

By this time, I found myself welcomed into a community of other bereaved moms. I began building friendships and sharing my pain with them. This became my new safe place. We hold each other up and pull one another out of the dark during our worst moments. This community shares a bond that none of us wish for others to experience. Yet it is a bond that is so strong without most of us having ever met in person. These women have become my support. Whenever the darkness sneaks up on me I can count on them to help me find my way back to light.

My grief is always present. Some days it is a mere cloud that passes in front of the sun briefly reminding me of treasured moments with Audrey and of a future not meant to be. Still other days I find the storm clouds rolling in and know the darkness is threatening a visit. And that is okay, as long as I do not sit in the darkness for too long.

Christina Wiggins is the mother of two boys on earth and one beautiful daughter in heaven. She is the cofounder and president of Audrey’s Army Inc (Facebook and Instagram). You can find her behind a sewing machine or writing when she is not spending time with her children. Follow her Bravery Bucket List on Facebook and on Instagram.